i‘m not writing this from the perspective of a parent, but a 23yo Gen Z who’s had parents which didn’t know what to regulate.

in some places my parents regulated „very intensely“. oftentimes they did so quite suddenly and without much communication/ explanation.

then again there were times and places where the lack of regulation allowed me to spend hours and hours each day, doom scrolling on instagram.

i spent years contemplating the situations and what would’ve been good.

your child’s mental health is the main key. in my experience the lack of self regulation is a coping mechanism. i was doing horribly and my parents solution wasn’t to help me, but to play whack a mole with symptoms by regulating. don’t get me wrong tho, it’s not just me, ive seen this a bunch of times with other ppl too. -> the better your kids mental health, the less there will be a need to regulate. if they do struggle, help them by working with them, not against them. look for solutions with them. don’t just set regulations, discuss what to do WITH THEM. let them set targets and what to do if they aren’t met with you. there will be lots of resentment and cheating around restrictions if you don’t work with them. everyone i know who’s been forced into find my or live360 has used a variety of techniques to spoof their location. not to mention that all of them at least kinda hate their parents for it.

so:

• if you want regulations to work, they need to be voluntary.
• ensure good mental health to prevent media abuse as coping mechanism.

they say that strict parents raise liars, and i’ve seen that proven many times.

Hello there!

First off, good for you for looking out for the privacy of others!

Unfortunately, you can’t force privacy onto someone. That has to be a choice the person makes for themself. If you want your teen to live a private life, talk to them about it. Explain the dangers of social media, and don’t try to sidestep the issue, just be honest. Avoid trying to “trick” someone into privacy, because that leads to bad outcomes down the road.

Using GrapheneOS is your best bet for a private phone. If you want to maintain some control over the device, have your teen use a secondary profile and restrict which apps can be installed using the owner profile that only you have access to. This also adds the benefit of being able to restrict access to the device (if that’s your thing) just by restarting it, since the teen won’t be able to unlock it. I’m not here to tell you how to be a parent.

Social media I’m not sure if fediverse stuff is the right path especially for lemmy, since it’s just tech nerd stuff and politics which isn’t interesting really unless they go out of their way to find smaller communities.

I agree with this, and it’s currently a downside to less mainstream social media. It will always be tailored to a specific community until it grows or becomes mainstream. If you really want your teen to use only open source apps, Bluesky is a good open source option while still being mainstream.

My parents probably want tracking features so it’ll probably be Find My or a 3rd party app like life360

You can talk with them about alternatives, such as an Airtag or other similar devices, or having no tracking at all. One point you can bring up is that it’s quite easy to trick those tracking apps (turning off the device, turning off location, turning on Airplane Mode, using a mock location app, leaving the device at home, etc.) so they aren’t very useful. Again, I’m not here to tell you how to parent.

It’s just kinda hard trying to blend being a functional member of society and maintain your mental well being and privacy.

This is why privacy is a choice. It’s up to the person how private they want to be, but the most you can do is educate about privacy and raise some alternatives.

In general, it depends on how much control you want to have over the digital life of your teen. The more control you have, the less autonomy the teen has and the more likely it is that the teen will resent the practices you put in place. However, the less control you have, the higher the risk of bad things happening. It’s up to you which path to take. Something I learned is that you can never have total control, because people are crafty, but people are also very understanding and can adapt to their environment.

Hope this helps!

If you’re considering life360, you’ve already lost the privacy game.

There are different levels of privacy to consider.

Apps: limit number of apps or essential only. Many have built-in trackers for developer kickbacks. Even developers don’t know the full extent of how the data is used.

Device settings: harden the phone by checking all the privacy settings. Install an ad/tracker blocking VPN app.

Evesdroppers: Your phone is a radio transmitter. Companies know this. Your mobile company may have privacy settings and track phones independently of any device settings or app. Also, bluetooth loggers are placed around high traffic areas, such as stores, to record precise location and movement. Disabling wifi, Bluetooth, or Mobile may be considered depending on level of privacy paranoia*.

There may be some privacy respecting tracking options (well, as a family anyway) over on the selfhosted lemmy community if you’re ready to go down that rabbit hole.

•It’s not paranoia if it’s real.

If privacy is your topic, iPhones are out.
You could check /e/OS for example with Fairphone that includes parental control feature.
Your parents do not matter in this context and it would be shameful to use such features.

Avoid tracking apps and tracking in apps. Avoid big tech like Meta and use Signal instead. If your child is not willing to do without Tiktok, Insta and so on, you won’t prevent. You can only explain. Remember: Divice literacy is not media literacy

I know this isn’t directly answering your question and that lots of people will disagree with me on this but unfortunately I think the best option at the moment is to just not let kids go online. The supposed social and educational benefits and the relief from peer pressure/FOMO just don’t justify the damage to their future mental health and understanding of identity.

I’m not personally confronted by this yet because mine are still too young, so take my view for what it is.

I’m a millennial and remember a few kids when I was growing up who didn’t have a TV because their parents weren’t comfortable with the brainrot, even back then. That was thirty years ago and those kids are now successful and confident people, living full lives. And nobody even really noticed at the time that they were the odd ones out because they didn’t watch TV. They are more ‘functional’ than the rest of us.

Things are way more intense now. The people who work for social media companies won’t let their kids on it, which I think says it all.

It’s a shame that the internet as a whole has become what it is because it has/had a lot of positive potential. But even the more ethical and neutral parts of it get infected by the pathological culture and addictive format that has emerged from it. Just look at the judgement and antagonism that you often see here on Lemmy for example. Not to mention the loneliness.

Personally, right now, I would look for a solution that isn’t a smartphone but that’s just me.

Proton VPN, RethinkDNS are two good things to get.

Or if you can pay, Proton unlimited, which comes with a lot of stuff from proton, and NextDNS

You can’t stop them but you can help them learn to make good choices on their own.

I think authoritarianism is a giant mistake and only creates duplicitous behavior. In my opinion tracking is ridiculous. None of us existed like this and ended up fine. In my opinion, all of this nonsense is acting as a stand in for relationships and real parenting. Humans make decisions and develop ethics based upon trust and autonomy. By stealing that factor of trust and autonomy, and replacing it with authoritarianism a parent is stunting the child’s growth of independent ethics and character. Make compelling discussions of why they should do whatever thing, but let them decide their own path. The lack of compelling discussions and real trust that requires risk is a major factor in the problems that exist in the present world.

The one time you actually need to know where your kid is at because something has happened, you will not know because you have taught them that the only path to independence is to turn off the device and put it into a Faraday cage like pouch, or someone else will do so. If you have a fundamentally trusting relationship with open dialog and respect for their autonomy, they will tell you openly exactly where they are going and any potential for danger. If you can handle that information without allowing anxiety to overwhelm reasoning skills, you will be in a far better position to help them if something bad happens.

The most long term valuable aspect of schooling is the development of one’s social network and connections, along with the habits and ethics. The actual information learned is rather limited in valuable application in the end. Who one knows and how one appears to others is of far more value than what one knows. For these reasons, there may be value in corporate social media. Simply teach the kid to understand how these places are both a trap and a tool. A trap, in that many of the smartest humans are manipulating users in ways that are nearly impossible for the users to escape. Never invest emotions into such a trap. Use the tool if needed for external social benefits, but use it as a manipulation tool with a layer of disconnect from who you really are. Teach them to use a work profile to isolate any apps from their device. That is just how I look at the issue.

Congrats for waiting this long - many parents don’t.

Honestly, this will depend on your child. If they are prone to addictive or obsessive behaviour, a smart phone will only amplify the tendancy. We already know how hard it is for adults to put down their phones for any length of time, and kids typically have less will power.

That said - digital communication is an important part of most people’s lives now. If all her friends are using a particular app to communicate, they will “need” it too. Some parental controls would be good for the first phone – which apps get installed, etc. Just be prepared to unlock most of them. ;-)

You might want a phone “lockbox” at home to ensure they turn off. Hopefully the school is strict about phone usage and etiquette too - it can help.

My opinion generally aligns with those who are saying to talk with them so they have a better understanding and don’t try to be overly strict with parental controls and such.

What I do want to add and don’t see in other comments is that if you want tracking software, you can set up fmd locator. It uses contact whitelisting so if they get a specific text from a whitelisted contact it will automatically text back their location. It isn’t for the use case of constant tracking to see if they’re sneaking out or whatever but if you want something that’s more trust based location sharing.

Just make sure they know anything they put on these big tech platforms are there forever, regardless of what claims they make about “disappearing messages” etc. Do your best to guide them towards encrypted services for their own protection. As much as I hate this, iPhones are a decent recommendation in the US since almost every young person uses iMessage as the default, and that has end to end encryption available. Work to inform them on the dangers of corporate spying and profiling, as well as data leaks and security, and let them have some sovereignty over their platforms. Keeping an eye on them is good; isolating them from important modern social circles isn’t. Inform and educate first and foremost

iPhone. Parental controls.

The goal here is to make sure they can be safe online, by telling them to watch what they say, don’t post personal info publicly or send it to strangers. Don’t try to control what they do online, because it won’t work. Banning them from using platforms like instagram when all their friends are using it is just going to make them the weird kid. I don’t know if they explicitly support account limits for kids, but there are digital wellbeing tools that let you set warnings and limits on apps.

I also wouldn’t use any tracking tools outside the family location sharing. And I wouldn’t give anyone else access to it, like their grandparents, unless there’s a need, like it’s just them and the grandparents on a trip.